Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
