her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
