woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
