This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
