dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
