it's too hot outside to masturbate.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
