I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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