So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
