I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
