There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Randomize
