i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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