having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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