The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
