I should be sponsored by Trojan
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
