she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i love accidental penises.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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