Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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