My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
