Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
