Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
