Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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