Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
