I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
