I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
