i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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