We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
