My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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