Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
