My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
