That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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