The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
