I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
