Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
