true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
