she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
