yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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