i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
