Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
