I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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