do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
