my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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