i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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