I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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