I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
