She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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