i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
