tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
