I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
