so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
