She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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