The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
