it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
