Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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