I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
