Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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