The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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