you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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